Sometimes, well usually I have a lot to say. I’ve always been chatty. Even looking back at my kindergarten report cards it said that I would do much better if I stopped socializing and focused more in class. Some things never change. And I wouldn’t want them to. I’m exactly like my mom. Why change a perfect thing? I would never do well being an introvert.
But often you will find that many days go by when I don’t blog or post anything.
It’s not because I don’t know what to talk about. I could have a blog and post every hour of the day. Like I said, I’m chatty.
When things first got intense with my eating disorder in May of 2015 it was on the forefront of my mind and those closest to me. It was spoken of often. But eventually people don’t want to ask and I don’t want to bring it up. I have been told they don’t want to “pry” or “bother me”. So sometimes I feel like I should keep my mouth shut because people are probably sick of it too. I mean how much can people take. It must be frustrating, annoying, upsetting and overall just ENOUGH. I say this with love. I know from the outside looking in, you want to just grab me by the shoulders, shake me and say STOP IT ALREADY. I would do the same thing if the roles were reversed.
I found this video of Amy Preskow, who was featured on Intervention. She really says it best – link at the bottom of this post.
It’s not my fault. It’s not intentional.
It’s like cancer of mind and thought.
I saw S this week and she too is helpful in this process. She stresses baby steps. And that is exactly what this process is. I’ve always said, I don’t want to work on recovery, I just want to be recovered. But that’s not possible. It will continue to take time. It is the fight of my life. For my life.
S gave me the courage this week to take a leap of faith and do something about what I’ve always wanted to do. Write a book, write an article. Take this disease and turn it into something positive. Make myself accountable and give myself a goal. Because I feel like a gerbal on a wheel going nowhere. I have not had a realistic goal. Recovery is not a goal. Because I don’t know what recovery is I cannot strive for it.
My goal is to do things for me, that I want to do and live a life without ED. That means having goals of writing a book about my struggle, looking into starting a side business like I have always wanted to, plan a trip somewhere, take a course…..These things may not all happen but I can’t assume they won’t. I have to at least try. That’s living. That is recovery. That is my goal.