It’s ironic. I’m in charge of me. But sometimes I feel like people give me permission to do what I want.
My therapist went through my food plan. She started to add new things and increased quantities. I was like “Phew, I get to eat more”. How ridiculous. I can just eat more. Why do I feel the need for a healthcare professional to give me this permission. But I feel positive about my response. I don’t think “Shit, I have to eat more.” So this is a good thing.
Same with weight. When I go to my doctor and she tells me my next goal, I get excited that I get to put on weight. Okay, maybe not excited – but again, like someone has given me permission. I’ll never get excited about eating, putting on weight and watching my body change. But what I get excited about it having a life. Not being cooped up in the washroom. Not planning my sleepless night and wondering how I will get through the next day.
Today for example. I have planned out my night. And it looks like this:
5pm – Pick up the boys from home
5:30pm – Drive to the Promenade for dinner
6:30pm – Go to the comic book store and let them each pick something out
7:30pm – Go home, probably squeeze in an episode of Chopped Junior than get ready for bed. Showers, snuggles and talk about our day.
That looks a look better than….
5pm – Go home and lie in bed because I am so incredibly nauseous from taking — laxatives three hours earlier
5:30pm – Go into the washroom and stay there for an hour
6:30pm – Leave the washroom and go back in bed
7:30pm – Spend another hour in the washroom
8:30pm – Back to bed
And so on and so on and so on.
You would have to be a complete moron not to see which is the better option.
I can’t wait for the comic book store!