Sorry. It’s been a while. Sometimes I’m not sure what to write. How much do people really want to hear?
So, this morning I looked in the mirror and began bawling. I was thinking back to the MRI I had this week (all okay, just a follow up) and when I was lying in the bed waiting for my turn I imagined that I was in that bed as in impatient in the eating disorders program. I heard the nurses, doctors, patients, machines beeping and thought “This may be your life.” If you don’t get the fuck better.
Enough with one step forward two steps back. That’s not how I operate. That’s not how I did it last time. I know I’m capable of ending this cold turkey. In conjunction this time with therapy so I can get through it and not repeat it. I can no longer live like this. I don’t deserve it and I am ruining my life. Both physically and even more so mentally. I have all of the ingredients I need to be successful. And so I must succeed.
Yet again I threw out my scale. I have done it before so it’s a milestone but not an uncommon one. I still have to give myself kudos. Not having a scale in the house even for a couple days is an achievement. So it begins. Again. I have to. Lisa you must. You can no longer live like this. You start a new job Monday. You have friends rooting for you. A family in so much agony watching you suffer. Kids who love me no matter what. Oh ya. And me. I fucking deserve to be happy. To live. I fuckimg deserve to have a life. Because right now I’m not living my life. I’m fighting it.
What a waste of everything I have. My fear is looking back and regretting what I have done. And what I have lost. You onot get one chance at life.
I’m sad – so sad for myself. I would be devastated to watch someone go through this. Torturing their their body and mind.
I can no longer waste my time on earth.
Mom and dad…..get ready to book a flight to Florida. I promise. I promise.