As much as I LOVE Mina it was time to see a psychologist. I need to look at cognitive and dialectical behaviour. She even said her focus is relationships and I need to deal with my behaviour. That is what will get me off of this merry-go-round.
So I am seeing Lauren. She runs an ED program at a Toronto hospital and is a good match for me. I’ve seen her before and we will now begin on a regular basis. She’s caring, thoughtful but firm and realistic.
One very interesting thing she said to me today is how frustrating it must be that I constantly hijack myself. And she’s right. I wake up with good intentions, goals and a positive mindset. Than somewhere along the way I hijack my own thoughts. She said I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. And that’s what an eating disorder is a struggle of. Right and wrong; what you want to do and what you actually do.
At the end of our session she said why are you here and do you want to recover? My answer was yes. It’s a lot of work and practically a full time job but I want to. I have to. Sometimes giving up seems like the easier option. But it can’t be an option. Recovery means victory. And I always put 100% into everything I do. I have certainly done that with ED. I’ve given him 100% even though he deserves nothing. So I will struggle, I will set goals and work through every day.
Lauren has a plan for me. Each session we set out with what will come next. What’s achievable. What’s realistic. But mainly, her primary focus is to keep me healthy and to let me live.