Being a Mom. Being Lisa.

Last night I came home from work, had dinner and told the kids they could do whatever they wanted until 6pm.  Then we would do homework, read and play.  Rob was at a meeting so I was on my own.  I first sat with Adam and did his math homework.  It was so adorable.  He is learning how to solve problems through pictures, words and numbers.  Next was Cooper.  He had to read a book called the Little Chimp and write a letter to the author explaining why he enjoyed it.  Tyler completed his homework alone on rounding numbers (awwww, he’s getting so big).

After that, we made some videos using my phone in slow motion.  It was hysterical.  They were jumping off of beds, sticking their tounges in and out, beating the crap out of each other and basically being boys.

We went downstairs, had some kernels  popcorn, hot chocolate and talked about our day.

Bath and showers followed with pj’s and brushing teeth.

It was now about 7:30pm and Rob came home.  I give him this time to spend with the boys alone so I made lunch while they did some stuff with dad.

It might seem trivial and insignificant and a night they likely won’t remember.  But it’s one I will never forget.

In that hour and a half I didn’t worry about eating, not eating, laxatives, weight or anything related to an Eating Disorder.  I focused on my kids, laughing and being in the moment with them.  I wasn’t in the washroom, I wasn’t curled up in bed – I was a mom.  I was Lisa.

The title of this blog – 20 Years a Prisoner is so true.  It is exactly that.  It is a prison.  And when I have a night like last night there is such a sense of freedom.  And I feel so incredible.  Relief and enjoyment.  It’s times like that which remind me of why I must get better.  There are so many more nights and days like that ahead of me to enjoy.  Those are the moments that make life worth living.

When I’m in bed, in the pitch black or in the washroom focusing on ED vs what I did last night – It’s really no contest.  The feelings I experience are indescribable.  It brings more joy to me than anything else in the world.  It gives me the motivation to get through the next day enjoy it and live it.

The best part of all of this is that I am in control of those feelings.  I can make this prison disappear.  I can feel the way I did last night – every day.  Me.  I get to determine that.

An ED is not only emotionally draining, but physically.  Your body shuts down.  You are tired, lethargic, weak, drained, dizzy, sweaty, and anything else awful you can imagine.  So to be in control of taking that away and replacing it with laughter, joy and happiness is the most powerful and positive change I can make in my life.

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