Frustrating, annoyed, mad, confused. Basically I’m Pissed Off.

So…in my last post I discussed a night nurse.

During my first conversation with CCAC I was told I was eligible to have someone come to the house.  After they received my doctors referral it would take about 24 hours.  This is a good thing.

The next day, I was told this was incorrect information.  They don’t have it in their budget to help me.  I did tell her what I was told the day before and that perhaps they should have their facts straight.

The following day I received a call that someone in fact would come visit me to discuss my situation and take it from there.  This was at 11am on Friday.  The nurse told me she would come to my office in about half an hour.

Well….she continued to call me every 5 minutes because she could not find the building. This went on for an hour.  Finally at 1pm she said that she was leaving because she couldn’t find the building and they would reschedule.

So, now I wait for them to call me back and set something up.

I’m just so fucking annoyed with the system.  Or lack of a system.  It’s like a cry for help that isn’t heard.  They say Eating Disorders has the highest mortality rate of all mental illnesses yet, there is basically no help.  There are obstacles all along the way that make it so difficult.  It really boils down to one thing.  Me.  Me, and only me will get better.  I will continue with the therapists and nutritionists but in terms of anything further it’s all up to me.

Rob went to Sheena’s place on Tuesday and met other families and significant others that have someone suffering with an Eating Disorder (I still hate saying that – it’s so shameful).  It was good for him because many of my behaviors and things I say were felt between the whole group.  He’s suffering too.  In his own way.

It’s exhausting.  It’s an exhausting, annoying, fucked up disease.  It does nothing, gives me no joy and yet I’ve allowed it to pre-occupy me.  Someone full of life, creativity, ideas, charisma and so much to offer has been taken over by a monster.  I cannot let ED rob me of that.  He’s slowly trying piece by piece, but I cannot let anything take all of the positive things from my life.  Every day I’m one step closer to having me back and one step further away from ED.  But there are days when I stand still or days when I take a step back.  But that is recovery.  MANY people comment on how matter of fact I am about it. It’s almost as if I’m not talking about myself.  And that is how I feel.  This simply cannot be happening to me.  I’m strong, I’m determined – I am not someone who would ever get sucked into this.  But I am.  And they say everything happens for a reason.  I know that by the time I’m 45, fully recovered I will quit my job and become involved somehow, someway with Eating Disorder recovery and awareness.  This 20 year journey, or better yet – hell has to have some purpose.

Happy Thanksgiving and more importantly.  GO JAYS GO!


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