Week of ups and downs

I don’t even know where to begin. Busy week.

I feel like something happened over the past week. I’ve changed. Things have changed.

Rob came to Mina, I have gone 6 days without, I hit rock bottom, my body forgives me, I feel like shit, I’ve had epiphanies, people continue to ask my mom what’s wrong with me.  Like I said. It was a busy week.

Lets start with Rob. It was a tough, emotional, effective and much needed session. Many things were said, lots was discussed and for the first time in 4 months, I finally cried at Mina’s.

Today is day 6. Again. But it’s another start. So I power on and try my best. I had planned on going to the drug store this morning. I was off work and home alone. It was the perfect receipe for my disaster. But I decided not to. I didn’t want to waste my day off feeling like shit. And I don’t deserve it. So I was able to enjoy the day. Small victory.

My rock bottom was the last time I took. It wasn’t a good experience. It never is, but this was especially hard. I’ll leave it at that.

My body is an amazing thing.  After all of the torture and damage, it continues to give me another chance.  It functions.  I wake up in the morning. It does things it’s suppose to do.  And I repay it by punishment.  I once saw a poster that said , “Treat your body like it belonged to a friend”. I would never do this to a friend, so why to myself?

My epiphany is that I can no longer live like this. My body is sending me signs in small subtle ways. It’s fighting to tell me that it no longer can take it. I felt like I had the flu the other day. And maybe I did. But I just didn’t feel right. It was a message. Stop. I can’t do this anymore. I will give up on you and shut down. The fight is just too hard.  Over the years maybe I have ignored the signs, but this time around they are obvious and in my face.  I can’t ignore them.

People certainly won’t ask me what’s wrong, so they do the next best thing. They ask my family. How awful for them to have to defend me and explain what’s going on. They can’t lie. It’s too obvious. That’s a big burden to have to carry on top of the constant worry and concern they are dealing with.

I’ve always been a doer. A goal setter. And yet, this one goal is the toughest one to achieve.

But day by day I do my best to overcome it. It will take time. It will take forever. But I will recover. I have to. I have no choice.

Busy week.  I need a rest.

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