Where have I been?
Sorry. Work. Life. Kids. School. All good things.
But, back to the reason I am writing this blog. ED.
A few things.
Today when I went to fitbox I saw a few friends of mine. It was the first time I was embarrassed to take my sweatshirt off. To stand there in leggings and a tank top sort of mortified me. The room is surrounded with mirrors. I saw my body. I saw it compared to everyone else. I look like a little girl. Not a woman. To me, that was a shitty feeling, but at the same time a good one. When I’m in my own skin but don’t see it. Mirrors are my worst enemy because they speak the truth.
I have made progress. But, please, please don’t expect this to happen quickly. Weight gain and emotional change takes time. The positive is that I am working on change. If I wasn’t….well than worry. But I’m trying.
I was at my parents the other night. Had a meltdown. I told them I feel that I’m basically at the top of a roller coaster. I’ve been working my way uphill and now feel stuck. But, Mina told me to prepare for this. It is hard to continue having highs. I will reach a point where I get scared. Where I begin to realize that change must happen, must continue and I have to take the next major step to recovery. To give it up. To not have struggles, to not have set backs, to no longer fight. To claim the life I deserve. The beginning part of recovery is a lot of thinking and self reflection. The second part is acting on it.
My dad said a few interesting things.
I said that I want a quick fix, because that’s the type of person I am. He said, stop labelling yourself as “I’m this type of person, or I’m that type of person”. My expectations of myself are too high. And he’s right. He’s completely right.
The second thing he said was that I know all the nutritional components and I certainly know the emotional stuff. I need to take all of that and do something with it. I guess it’s not the next step, it’s the only step. It’s making it happen and not looking back.
I saw a commercial today that had me in tears.
The line he said about our kids not being young forever….he’s right.
They are the reason I wake up every morning and they are the reason I gave up ED in the first place. I know I will give him up for me, but as I look at my three Prince Charmings, I will give it up for them. They deserve to know the mom that I can be and should be.