Just trying to catch up. Boy how things have changed now that I’m back at work full time. I still can’t believe I was off for 14 weeks.
Our family weekend was great. It was cozy, busy and a great way for us to try activities we normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to do in the city.
Food. It was easy. Tons of choices so I was okay.
But I wasn’t.
For breakfast I wanted to eat the cream of wheat with brown sugar. In the afternoon I wanted to have an ice cream cone. But I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to. Because I’m afraid.
Afraid of what? I don’t know.
My kids see me eat. I make sure of that. I don’t want any of my poor habits to rub off on them or even worse, have them worry about me. As far as they are concerned nothing is wrong with the way I eat.
Often when I am out at a mall or a situation like this weekend I see other people eating their meal and enjoying every bite. I’m jealous. So jealous. I actually love eating. I love food.
I am a fussy eater and have always been but I still love peanut butter, jubejubes, ice cream, cookies, cheese and chips.
And two years ago, after the kids went to bed I would plop myself in front of the TV and have a little snack. I can’t say I didn’t “worry” about it, I mean I am human after all. But I didn’t dwell on it. I enjoyed it and moved on.
I want that back. I’m tired of being preoccupied. It’s e,optionally draining. I want to create my new life. But I want my headspace back more than anything.  Not to think so much. Too much. It’s a waste of my time. I have so many more important things to think about. ED as usual wins.

He is an asshole.


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