A lot of people said that having a new focus would be helpful for my road to recovery. New job, new people, new environment. It’s true. It is helpful. But, what can’t be expected is that ED will magically disappear. My hope is to have him eventually disappear. That is what’s realistic.
On February 1, 2004 – 11 years ago I was able to get rid of him cold turkey. It was Superbowl Sunday, I had my last “hoorah” and that night was the last time I swallowed a laxative. For 10 years. Cold turkey is brave. But it’s also risky. It worked for a decade but ED came back. And he came back strong and forceful. I know that this time recovery needs to be more of a process. So he exists. He is still big and strong and mighty. The challenge is to let him know that I am making changes and every day making him less important. The problem is that he is so very important to me. I certainly don’t want him to be, but imagine having a best friend for 20 years. Someone who controlled your thoughts and made you think that you couldn’t live without them, but treated you like shit on a daily, hourly and minute by minute basis. Sounds like a great friend huh? But that’s what ED is – a manipulator. So you come to a cross road where you decide and realize he sucks. He’s bad for you and is not someone that should be in your life. How do you say bye, just like that? Fuck off, we’re done. I hate you. You are a shitty friend. Easy enough, but easier said than done. This will take time. But how much time? When will I put on enough weight that is healthy and will make my doctor, parents, friends and husband happy? But most importantly when will the mindset change? That is the biggest missing link. That, when fixed will be recovery and will be success. I realize ED will always be a part of my life in some capacity. My nutritionist said it best. When you engage in behaviors like this, your body and mind knows it and understands it. It knows what you are capable of so it’s not something you can erase permanently.
My goal is to manage ED by controlling him and not allowing him to control me. That would be the ultimate victory. By changing jobs, I have shown myself that I am capable of victory. One step at a time.
I know I am a good person. I know I am loyal, honest, funny, loving, caring and always there when someone needs me. But it’s nice to remind yourself that you are valuable and that my people like you. My son Adam asked me Sunday night if I was afraid to start a new job on Monday. I told him I was because I didn’t know anybody. He told me to ask people to be my friend and they will be my friend, because I’m pretty.
Insert melting heart here.
But, yes…I was nervous. But today, on day three – I’ve made friends, I’ve introduced Lisa to a new group of people. They don’t know sick Lisa. They know me as me. The Lisa I should be. The Lisa I am becoming.