20 years a prisoner couldn’t be more true.
Although they say an eating disorder is about you having control; I lost control 20 years ago.
There is a sense of relief when I think of recovery. Letting go. Having a life.
It does sound odd to me, because let’s be honest…I am smart. I know this illness makes no sense, but it’s exactly that. An illness. I wish it was easy to get back the control but it’s not. Having to put on weight is not easy. For anyone. Clothes getting tighter, feeling full are all things people don’t welcome with open arms. So I struggle as I recover to accept these things, embrace them and remind myself that my weight doesn’t define me. What it’s done is destroy me.
I was tempted tonight. Very tempted. I even wondered how many I would have to take without taking too many. I was thinking about when I would be able to take them tomorrow.
I’ll just take one more time.
No. It won’t be. It will be the beginning. Again.