So, it has been 5 weeks today. I have not taken a laxative in 5 weeks. Yeah. Yes, yeah!
But, guilt and lies are no way for me to recover, so I have to be honest.
As I mentioned in earlier posts, I introduced myself to a new eating disorder “symptom” as a way of replacing one bad habit with another. This happened for two reasons:
1. It is easier to hide vomiting than it is to hide laxative abuse.
2. I am able to have a secret. Something that belongs just to me.
I do not do this to the extent that I did laxative abuse. So, I want to say don’t worry, but I know you will. I also am dealing better with it through Mina’s wisdom.
Every time I am about to engage in thoughts or behavious that are destructive, she tells me to remind myself that “I will not damage my body, I will not destroy myself because someone/something is making me feel upset/angry/anxious.” It sounds silly to have to remind yourself of these things, but this is my road to recovery.
I know how great I am. Lucky for me, people tell me every day. I have friends, family, co-workers, acquaintances that let me know how special I am. It’s just making sure that I remind myself how special I am.
I am making progress. Like I said, baby steps. I am learning to put myself first. I am learning to think before I act and I am learning to live.
Last night I was lying in bed reading. I got so tired, so I turned off the lights around 8:30pm. Tyler and Rob got home just after 9pm from baseball. Tyler came in to tell me about his game. When he left the room he said “Mom, if you aren’t feeling well I can close the door.”
My nine year old son has become so accustomed to mom not feeling well and lying in bed that he is now taking care of me.
I sat up and told him that I felt great and was just being lazy.
I helped him shower, read him a book and lay with him talking about our day.
Like I said, I am learning to live. And this is what I’m living for.