I have been asked how it’s humanly possible to take 60 laxatives in one day.
It is possible.
The process itself lasts about half an hour.
I would take 5 at a time and rest for a couple of minutes in between. As I approached the 30 laxative mark it became more difficult and the process would begin to slow down. I would start gagging and I instinctively got this ‘disgusted feeling’ in my throat and stomach.
When I was done I would wait. Sometimes 2 hours. Sometimes 6.
But when it started, I was able to tell how bad it would be.
The next 48 hours are hell. Complete hell. Sweating, nauseau, headache, stomach pains, dry mouth and major heart palpitations. There have been two occasions when I thought I was going to die. That I had overdosed and would die. Die. Die because I took too many laxatives. That is not how I want to be remembered.
I spent hours and many, many visits to the bathroom. So timing was everything. I had to know I would be home. I always tried to time it for the night so my absense wasn’t as noticeable. But this type of pain is impossible to hide.
I would sleep on the bathroom floor. Easier than getting up and down all night.
Your body gets completely emptied. You literally feel your stomach turned inside out.
The empty feeling is the goal. That is the reward. And getting on the scale and seeing yourself 5 lbs lighter also brings some joy to this painful experience. Going through it, I always thought that this would be it. The last time and I meant it. But, I know I didn’t.
It gives you a sense of accomplishment. You set out to do something, and you do it. And I did it well. I did it amazing. I was the best at it. I had the best eating disorder.
I was deathly ill for days, I was in the washroom for 24-48 hours following an episode, I lied about being late for work, I didn’t make plans with friends, I missed out on activities with my kids all so I could have the best eating disorder. Wow. Good for me.