Had a lot to talk about.
When will I be able to:
– eat without worrying about what I’m eating?
– eat what I want?
– eat when I am hungry?
– eat and not think about how I can get rid of it?
– try and fight hunger pains?
– not let ED have so much control over me?
2. I don’t see what you see.
When you see yourself every day you don’t see what other people see. That is a very misleading part of having an Eating Disorder.
A friend asked me if I like how I look right now.
Honest? I don’t hate it. And that’s not me wanting to look bone thin, that’s me not always seeing what you see. I don’t see the 25lbs missing from my body. I live with it every day so this is the body I am use to.
People have said I look healthier, my face looks fuller. To someone with an eating disorder that would be a bad thing. The worst thing. A trigger.
You are telling them that they have put on weight. BUT, I don’t think that. I do have an eating disorder, but I do want to get better. I am not taking laxatives, so I should look better.
The laxatives sucked the life out of me. I was looking back at pictures from January 2015 when we were in Disney World and I could see right through my empty eyes. There was nothing to me. And I looked at a picture from my cousin’s bat mitzvah in May of 2014 – right when ED returned (so I was still at a healthy weight) and I didn’t hate how I looked. I actually looked great. So what the hell happened?
3. My full time job.
I am working on so many things right now. Making myself healthy both body and mind and trying to apply new strategies at home, with friends, getting back to work and living life in general.
Although it seems like some days I’m not doing much, I’m always very busy. It occupies every second of every minute of every day. It’s a fight and a struggle and “I am doing the very best that I can.”