Things I Remember, But Try to Forget

Reviewing my old journal…Another entry that made me cringe:

Another situation I remember is when I was driving to work early one morning.  I had just gotten off the 407 and was feeling so nauseous.  It’s weird, because sometimes it would just hit me like a bolt of lighting.  While in the car, there really isn’t much I can do except turn off the radio and turn down the air conditioner.  Would you believe that somehow loud music and cold air would make me feel worse?  I would sit with one leg pressed up against my stomach to put pressure on it, this sometimes helped.  About 10 minutes away from work, I knew I wouldn’t make it.  I had to pull over, run out of the car and crouch down at the side of the curb.  I was trying to hide, because I figured the passing motorists might be worried, and quite frankly I wasn’t prepared to have company.  I sat there for a few minutes, trying to breath in and out, again, stupidly thinking that the fresh air would help.  I knew that I was going to throw up and realized that I didn’t have any kleenex to help clean me off afterwards.  For some strange reason I remembered that I had a sock in my glove compartment.  I went back to my car, took it out and seconds later I was throwing up.  There I was.  8:15am in the morning, on my way to work, sitting at the side of the 407 wiping puke off my mouth with a sock.  Disgusting.  Embarrassing.   Each time I found myself in a situation like this, I would wonder, “How did I end up here?”  Unfortunately after all the nausea, throwing up and feeling like crap, the end result is what kept bringing me back.  I drove to work, felt great and continued on with my day.


How pathetic?  How upsetting.  Why didn’t I see the bigger picture.  Using a sock to wipe puke off of my mouth.  Puking because I inflicted that pain on myself.  Throwing up because I took too many laxatives and my body was basically saying “Fuck you, get out!”.

I am so much smarter than that.  I think that’s what makes this disease so awful.  My mind knows better.  My heart knows better.  But, ED is bigger than both.  My goal is to make him smaller and eventually non-existent.

I love my life.  When I’m living it, I love it.  And I love me.

But, when my Eating Disorder takes over, I hate it.  I am scared, confused, and so angry that this has happened to me.   The mornings are difficult because I have to map out my day.  The nights are the hardest.  Most difficult.  That is when temptation sets in.  That is when I have the time and resources.  I try to keep busy.  Go for a walk, read a book, watch tv, take a trip to Walmart.  Anything that takes my mind off doing what I know I will regret.

I would like to imagine a life that doesn’t involve my head being so scared and confused. Of food.  I know it’s not the food – it’s a deeper underlying issue.  But it is the food that is the means to my end.

A song sang at SK graduation this year, really sums it up for me.  It’s a Sesame Street Song, by Will.I.Am:

If what I am is what’s in me
then I’ll stay strong – that’s who I’ll be
and I will always be the best
“me” that I can be

There’s only one me, I am it
have a dream I’ll follow it
It’s up to me to try
Oh! I’mma keep my head up high (high)
Keep on reaching high (high)
Never gonna quit
I’ll keep getting stronger

And nothing’s gonna bring me down (no!)
Never gonna stop, gotta go
because I know
I’ll keep getting stronger
And what I am is (thoughtful)
and what I am is (musical)
and what I am is (smart)
and what I am is (brave)
and what I am is (helpful)
and what I am is (special)
There’s nothing I can’t achieve
because in myself I believe and…
Oh! Gonna keep our heads up high (high)
Keep on reaching high
Never gonna quit
just keep getting stronger

And nothing’s gonna bring us down (no!)
Never giving up, gotta go
Because I know
I’ll keep getting stronger
What I am is (super)
What I am is (proud)
What I am is (friendly)
What I am is (grouchy)
What you are is (magical)
and what you are is (special)
There’s nothing I can’t achieve
because in myself I believe and…
Oh! Gonna hold my head up high (high)
Keep on reaching high (high)
I’m never gonna stop
I’ll keep getting stronger

Nothing’s gonna bring me down
Never give it up gotta go, oh… yeah…
I’ll keep getting strong-er

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