I decided to leave it.
The program and me are not a fit. A huge part of me was worried what people would think. But, I feel that I’m strong for realizing that and deciding to taking the necessary steps to find the right tools and continue on my road to recovery.
I have spent the past 24 hours researching, calling. emailing, and discussing other options that will be better suited to my personal success. I will put together a schedule and start a more realistic treatment plan that is personalized for me.
Today will be one week that I have gone without taking a laxative.
Wow. It’s been a long time since I’ve accomplished a week of sobriety.
Do I miss them? Do I crave them? Do I feel bloated?
All of the above.
But Lisa, you have no choice.
Look at the extra time you got to spend with your kids this week. That certainly means more than having a flat stomach.
The researching and consultations continue. But I have made progress with various people and I am working on completing a weekly schedule that will consist of therapists, dieticians, workshops and group counselling. This approach will lead to my success.
One of the worst moments I have experienced during my 20 year illness was last night. I am very close to my parents. I talk to my mom about a gazillion times a day just to shoot the shit about anything and everything. We were discussing my current situation and the fact that I was withdrawing from the outpatient program. She began to cry. Hysterically. She was hyperventilating telling me how worried she is. How she thinks about me all day and is so scared.
I was sick to my stomach. My mother. My poor mother was so distraught and likely has been holding this back for so long. I couldn’t believe that my illness was effecting my mother so intensely. How awful. How sad. How unfair. This gd damn disease is not only effecting me emotionally and physically but it also doing the same to my parents, my brothers, my sister in laws, my in laws, my friends, my coworkers. It was effecting everyone.
I have three kids. If any one of them were experiencing an illness I would be beside myself with worry. I get it. I understand the pain my mom is going through. It was time to stop letting ED do this to me. He is a monster.