I know it must be frustrating for my family and friends to sit by and watch me deteriorate. Frustrating and sad. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have someone you love and care about do such harmful things to their body.
But, for a moment imagine it the other way around. I am sitting by and watching myself, kill myself. I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it nor do I even believe it is happening.
Sometimes I have an out of body experience and think “What the fuck am I doing to myself?”
I am fully aware of the harm I am doing both mentally and physically.
I know that I am funny, outgoing, creative, articulate, loyal, dedicated and likable. I don’t hate myself. I don’t think I’m fat. And I know the world is a better place with me in it.
If I continue my life the way I have been living it, I will die.
But, I have chosen to live. That is why I have taken a leave of absence from work and have begun the process of recovery by seeing a therapist, dietitian, regular visits with my GP and group therapy sessions.
Here is what I can tell you.
This will not happen overnight. This will not happen in a couple of weeks. This will not happen in a few months. The battle I have been fighting for 20 years will take me a very long time to recover from. Every day will be a struggle and unfortunately I will not make changes that are noticeable and immidiate. It will take time. Every meal I get through, every day I don’t take laxatives is a huge milestone for me. I don’t share all of this because most of it is embarrassing and shameful. The fact that I have ended up with such a horrifying disease is not something I am proud of. It found me and now I must help ED find his way out of my life.
I would love to snap my fingers and just tell Lisa to eat. Stop taking laxatives. Get on with your life. And, if this was happening to someone else, I would think these things. But, I cannot make this go away so easily. I wish I could. Recovering is much harder than suffering. But I know in the end that recovery means life and suffering means death.
This will take time.