Time

I know it must be frustrating for my family and friends to sit by and watch me deteriorate.  Frustrating and sad.  I can’t imagine what it feels like to have someone you love and care about do such harmful things to their body.

But, for a moment imagine it the other way around.  I am sitting by and watching myself, kill myself.  I don’t like it, I don’t enjoy it nor do I even believe it is happening.

Sometimes I have an out of body experience and think “What the fuck am I doing to myself?”

I am fully aware of the harm I am doing both mentally and physically.

I know that I am funny, outgoing, creative, articulate, loyal, dedicated and likable.  I don’t hate myself.  I don’t think I’m fat.  And I know the world is a better place with me in it.

If I continue my life the way I have been living it, I will die.

But, I have chosen to live.  That is why I have taken a leave of absence from work and have begun the process of recovery by seeing a therapist, dietitian, regular visits with my GP and group therapy sessions.

Here is what I can tell you.

This will not happen overnight.  This will not happen in a couple of weeks.  This will not happen in a few months.  The battle I have been fighting for 20 years will take me a very long time to recover from.  Every day will be a struggle and unfortunately I will not make changes that are noticeable and immidiate.  It will take time.  Every meal I get through, every day I don’t take laxatives is a huge milestone for me.  I don’t share all of this because most of it is embarrassing and shameful.  The fact that I have ended up with such a horrifying disease is not something I am proud of.  It found me and now I must help ED find his way out of my life.

I would love to snap my fingers and just tell Lisa to eat.  Stop taking laxatives.  Get on with your life.  And, if this was happening to someone else, I would think these things. But, I cannot make this go away so easily.  I wish I could.  Recovering is much harder than suffering.  But I know in the end that recovery means life and suffering means death.

This will take time.

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