Ummmm….

Btw.

140 days!

OMG. Almost five months.

Speechless. Didn’t think I would get here.

Sorry. ED didn’t think I would get here.

Lisa always knew I could.

Guess we know who wears the pants in this relationship, huh?!

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I’m scared to vacay…

We leave tomorrow for our vacation.

Am I excited? You bet. I’m thrilled to have some time off with the fam. We all need it.

Am I scared? Fuck ya. New surroundings. Not doing the usual routine. Different food. Yikes. It is a recipe for a disaster to someone who has an Eating Disorder. Let’s be honest. It’s the unknown. And the unknown is scary.

I hate thinking that food is scary. It bothers me that it’s gotten to this. But with that, I take the feelings I have and use them for good.

To take a situation that is intimidating and give myself the power is the ultimate revenge against this disease. It aggravates me to no end that I lost so much power that now it makes me want to overcome this mental illness even more. I know I can be stronger than ED.

I may be scared, intimidated and apprehensive about our trip and the unknown but I am more excited, thrilled and elated to be able to go away with my family. Those feelings are much stronger and will trump the unknown.

I will not let ED steal one more memory from me.

YouTuber

I always like people who provide motivation. People I can relate to and who are open, honest and real. Even if it’s through the internet and not in ‘real life’.

I have found many people on YouTube that have been a great source of comfort and help.

I came across this girl a couple weeks ago and have really enjoyed listening to her story. It goes back several years and is worth the watch.

Interested in yours feedback:

BTW. 139 days today.

Shit Day

Yep. Yesterday sucked. The morning was hard. Why? Don’t know. I guess it’s oart of the process. Just like life. Good days. Bad days. Easy days. Hard days.

It all comes down to what I do with how I feel.

It was a PA day. I had Cooper and Adam at home. I had a choice. Let my shit day be shit which would turn their day into shit. Or make it a fun day with my boys. And snap out of feeling like crap.

We went for lunch. Went to see a movie and had ice cream. I took that shitty feeling and didn’t let it ruin my day. Instead, I ruined its day. My mindset changed and I ended up having a terrific, fantastic day.

Your thoughts can change your actions which can change everything. Amazing how we have the power to do that. You have the power to feel how you want to feel. It may be hard work some days but man…it’s so worth it. And it’s all part of life. Creating the life YOU want.

I woke up today and feel fantastic. Because I want to!

Strangers

I was dropping off lunch for my kids at school yesterday. A mother in the office turned and said to me, “I read your story and I have to tell you that it really touched me.” The expression on her face was so genuine and actually made my heart melt.

A complete stranger. Someone that I don’t know. The effect that my story had on her is exactly why I decided to start sharing. Do you know how amazing that feels? It is great to know that my struggles can relate to other people in some capacity.

We all have issues, we all have challenges and it is comforting to know that I was able to provide her with a little bit of strength when maybe she was having a difficult day.

She told me that she is currently going through a separation with her husband and although they are not the same thing, we are both dealing with conflict.

Often you can take someone’s story and relate it to your life. Feeling alone only makes problems worse and bigger. Sharing and opening up to people is what helped me. It made me accountable for my actions. It made me hear other peoples stories. It made my problem real. It took an enormous weight off of my shoulders when I knew the amount of support I had. I was ashamed for so many years. Mental illness does that to people. You feel as if it’s a choice. You feel as if you can just stop and get better. But you can’t. You simply cannot turn off the way you think or feel. It is called a mental ILLNESS for a reason. Not a mental choice.

Even though I was embarrassed for so many years and didn’t want to talk about it, I decided that I could and would do what I had to in order to get better. To get well. The great thing about a mental illness is that you can get the help you need to heal yourself. I can promise you it won’t be easy, it won’t be a fast recovery and you will have great days followed by terrible days. But never give up on yourself. You have to believe in yourself, have faith, courage and know that you deserve to have whatever you want in life.

Giving up often seems like the easier option. I’ve always said that fighting is much harder. But don’t you think that you are worth it? Don’t you think that you should be happy? The answer is yes. We all do.
The old saying is true.

What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. If that is true, I am the Incredible Hulk.

Bones. Estrogen. And an appointment with the Endocrinologist

My doctor had me do a bone density scan a couple months ago. The results weren’t bad, but they weren’t great.

Not surprising, my bones are brittle. I also haven’t had a period in over 2 years so she wanted me to see a specialist and determine if I was in early menopause or if this was a result of my Eating Disorder.

The doctor today explained what was going on with medical jargon, but in a nutshell…..I’m not in early menopause. All of the results are because of the damage I have done to my body. Yet another thing my Eating Disorder has taken from me.

My body produces zero estrogen. Zero. None. Not even a little.
**********
Some medical info:
You may also find that your bones fracture or break more easily. This may be due to a decrease in bone density. Estrogen works in conjunction with calcium, vitamin D, and other minerals to keep bones strong. If your estrogen levels are low, you may experience decreased bone density.
**********

So he has recommended that I go on the birth control pill. It will give me the estrogen my body needs to help my bones and give me back that monthly miracle we all hate, but I so desperately crave.

My first question was: Will I put on weight if I go on the pill? It was an honest question. By than I thought about what he just said. Brittle bones. Osteoporosis. No estrogen. Am I a fucking idiot? Who cares? Who fucking cares?! I have been given a solution to something that can become a huge problem if I don’t take the healthy and logical approach. I know I have to put on weight. It might not be based solely on what I eat, it may come on in other ways. Who. Fucking. Cares.

It is time to start treating my body kindly. With respect and with the care it has deserved but has been missing for over two decades.

So, I will go tomorrow and get the prescription filled.
Another fresh start. I am grateful to be given this second chance.

136 days today.

A Day In The Life Of An Eating Disorder. Part Four.

The pain is brutal. There are no words that can adequately describe the horror your body goes through. When I start to feel the laxatives working there is a huge sense of relief and guilt.

My stomach starts growling. My mouth gets so dry. I am weak, tired and look like a malnourished ghost. I can’t move. I can’t talk and my body is shivering.

I remember taking them at work last year. I was hiding most of the day in an empty office because I was so incredibly ill. At 430 I couldn’t take the nausea for another second. I packed up my stuff and left the building – I needed my bed. I needed my bathroom. I had to get home.

I was parked across the street and when I was halfway to my car this extreme wave of nausea hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to start walking as quickly as I could and get through the pain and with what little energy I had. When I got in the car I noticed a plastic bag on the passenger seat. It was a blessing. I began to throw up. My body was fighting the laxatives. It couldn’t handle the dose I took and was rejecting the poisonous pills I had swallowed earlier in the day. I didn’t notice if anyone was around me, I didn’t notice if anyone could see or hear me – I was only focused on not feeling like this anymore. The vomiting would get rid of the awful nauseous feeling and I could get home and rest for the remainder of the evening.

After about 10 minutes, I got out of the car and went to the washroom to splash water on my face. There was a convenience store nearby so I bought some Gatorade to try and get electrolytes back in my body. I sat outside on a bench for about half an hour. I wasn’t ready to drive. I knew that I was not ready and needed to get my strength back. The really sad part is that this was not the end. This was the beginning. My body always reacted very aggressively at the beginning and than continued to deal with the effects of the laxatives. It lasts hours and hours and days and days. I would get relief here and there, but generally for the next 48 hours I felt like complete shit.

For anyone else feeling like this, you would not dream of getting out of bed. Going to work. Sitting at the dinner table. Seeing friends. But I had to. I had to try and do both. I had to have an Eating Disorder and have a life. If not, I would be in my room, in my bed 24/7. As time went on, I got accustomed to feeling like a piece of garbage and managing through the day as best as I could. Many times I simply couldn’t – other times I don’t know how but I did. I was present in body, but my mind was living the Eating Disorder.

It is hard to try and have a life while you are trying to fight an Eating Disorder. There is not room for both of you. One will always win. ED usually prevailed because he had the stronger, more powerful voice.

Every single time, I promised myself it was the last time.
20 years later I was still telling myself that very same thing.