My advice

I write this blog as I sit by the pool with my patentals in Sunny Isles. A vacation. A chance to spend time with two of my most favourite people. A chance to rest. A chance to rejuvenate. A chance to have some me time. We all need this. We all need to set aside time to do this. Whether it’s away or at home. Everyone needs it.

My week was great.
I’ve done so much self reflection lately and have leaned a lot about myself during this process. Here are some things that came to light:

– I am strong
– I do want recovery (sometimes we work hard at recovery but work even harder at tying to convince ourselves that we want recovery)
– I am making progress physically
– I am making enormous mental progress. I think more. I question my actions. I don’t act impulsively. That is what led to my all or nothing attitude.
– In the past 172 days I have seen a glimpse into the life I have been missing.
– I am angry. So angry that this illness took control of my life for so long. I am taking that anger to help push me through recovery.

Everything I have learned is all fantastic. It’s all wonderful and it’s all giving me positive rewards.

This week has felt great.

The last couple of weeks were difficult and I was afraid. Afraid that I would relapse because the fight was so difficult. But I pushed, fought and made myself uncomfortable which is all part of the process. It is hard. It sucks and it’s a minute to minute struggle. So I was afraid.

But I survived, proving to myself that I am capable of this. I am capable of anything I want. And I want recovery.

So this week was fantastic. It felt positive, it felt victorious and it ended with multiple trips to Tarjey.

What more could I ask for?

S

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What have I gained

I was talking to a friend about this and she didn’t realize the magnitude of what I was explaining.

I told her the very best thing you get from recovery is time. You get to have time. Your time becomes your own again. Instead of spending hours and hours in the washroom, in bed, curled up feeling like shit on the sofa – you get all those moments to do whatever the hell you want to do.

Spend it with family, with friends, alone, shopping, watching tv, baking, helping your kids do homework, go to the park, ride bikes, walk to get ice cream, read, take a bath. Whatever. The. Hell. You. Want. To do.

Time is precious. It is all yours and recovery gives you the freedom to decide how to use it.

There are many health related things you get from recovery which are all fantastic. The mental aspect too is also a huge bonus, but for me the time I have gotten back is the best and biggest positive of recovery.

Memories

Memories of my struggle are all negative. I will never have a moment when I look back fondly at a time when my Eating Disorder brought me any joy, any happiness – anything positive. It was always awful, horrible, terrible and upsetting.

The lying, the manipulating, the heartache, the missed opportunities are all because of what my Eating Disorder took away from me.

As I start this new format for my blog I try to think back throughout the past 20+ years and it brings me so much sadness that I have to look back 20 years! 20 gd damn years living with a mental illness that I have been trying to battle, trying to beat and trying to overcome. An illness that has done nothing but stolen so much from me.

So today, my memory is of 20 years. 20 years where so much was lost- I don’t want to say wasted because there is so much good that I have been able to achieve in my life. So many wonderful memories that I did not let ED take away and people in my life that I am grateful for an madly in love with. I did not allow him to take everything. And I continue to fight every day, every hour, every minute to continue having the things I deserve.

My fondest memory right now, today, is celebrating 170 days. I have not taken a laxative in 170 days. So that memory of my eating disorder is one that I can look back on and be proud that on September 4, 2017 I decided it was the end. The beginning.

And I meant it.

I’m Back

Thank you for being patient and understanding. I needed to step away for a bit because I find that sometimes when I focus too much on my Eating Disorder I give it a life. I let it become my everything. And although it is my everything as it’s a struggle every single day I don’t want to give it all of the attention it doesn’t deserve.

But what I found was that I missed writing. I missed blogging and I missed sharing.

My goal is to share. My goal is to help. My goal is to connect.

But my main goal and number one priority is me. To take back what I deserve so I can have what I have earned. My life. My family. My friends and my strength.

What I want to do is divide the week up.

Monday: Weekend in review
Tuesday: Answering your questions
Wednesday: Memories of my struggles
Thursday: What I have gained in recovery.
Friday: Advice
Weekends: Whatever I want.

So please send me your questions to shynz10@gmail.com – your name will never be published.

Today is 169 days that I have been laxative free. One of my best friends asked if it got easier every day.

The truth is yes. Because not every day is as hard and the fact that I am able to have good days means I am winning.

But there are days that I honestly want to throw in the towel because recovery is a full time job and it is both emotionally and physically exhausting.

But today after school when I came home and my boys ran up to me with the biggest hug to thank me for the notes I put in their lunch box and to tell me they love me is an example of a day when I am strong and don’t want to throw any towel in anywhere. They need a mom. My husband needs a wife. My siblings/inlaw siblings need a sister, my besties need a friend and my parents deserve a daughter.

But more than that, I need them.

This is my one and only shot at life.

I don’t need to worry that I could die at any minute if I don’t start taking care of myself.

Nobody will ever have memories with me and look back to compliment the fact that I was thin or that I had incredible willpower to control my food. That is not the legacy that I want to be remembered for.

I am so much more than that.
You just watch me ED. You are not as strong as you think you are. You had the strength and I’ve taken it away from you.

Taking a break

Nothing wrong. No need to worry.

I want to keep my content interesting, engaging and meaningful.

So I am taking some time off to regroup, collect my thoughts and come back with some new ideas and thoughts. Perhaps a new angle on here.

With recovery comes great things. That includes this blog getting a makeover.

I’m good. I’m great.
This is a good thing.

Tell Rachel and Ross we are just on a break.