I’m so happy it’s getting the coverage it deserves.
I am working on my speech.
It brings about so many memories. Emotions. It’s very difficult to put it into words. Sometimes there aren’t words to describe what I have put myself through.
I want to be sure that people attending feel that they are hearing what they want to know.
Send me any information, details, requests of things you want included, details you may know, programs you have attended and any feedback about your experience if you have an eating disorder, have suffered, know someone that has suffered or are a silent person who is just there to offer support.
I want you to know the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
BTW – we just confirmed today that Mario Racco is attending on behalf of his wife Sandra Racco who is the councillor for Vaughan. It’s great to have them involved in the start of what is going to be my mission from here on in to make changes. Everything has to start somewhere. This is my start.
Today is day 70.
My BFF asked me how I was feeling.
i told her how great I feel.
But I’m also tired. Muscles are sore. I’m drained.
Why? If I’m better why do I feel crappy?
The best way to explain it, is that my body isn’t numb anymore. It’s feeling. It’s living like a body should.
Laxatives aren’t there to make that go away. It created a pain far worse than the everyday aches and pain we feel.
But I will take those over the ones ED gave me. Any. Day. Of. The. Week.
I’ve always had a great memory. I remember dates, events, milestones and movie quotes (my fave).
One of the biggest side effects of an Eating Disorder is what it does to your brain. Your brain is really at the core of the illness. Dictating what you should think, how you should feel, what you should do and convinces you of things you didn’t even knew you thought. It’s amazing how powerful the mind is. Even when you know right from wrong, you can be told to do something you didn’t even want to do.
This illness sucks the life out of your body. Literally. One thing that is not obvious to the outside world is your mind. I can copy and past a bunch of medical articles telling you exactly what an Eating Disorder does to your mind. But I’ll be blunt. It fucks you up. You are not nourished. You are not energized. You are not focused. So it suffers. You become clumsy, forgetful, irrational and you can’t set priorities. Your mind thinks of one thing and one thing only. When will I eat? What will I eat? Do I have to eat? How can I make myself not eat? How many calories are in this?
It is exhausting to fit that type of dialogue in your head along with everything else you have going on in your life.
Getting rid of that type of thinking and replacing it with good, rational thoughts is one of the very first steps of recovery.
You need to stop yourself before you get into a conversation with yourself and let your mind wander in the wrong direction. You need to take control. They say Eating Disorders are about control, but I have always disagreed. There is no control. Nobody chooses this disease. Nobody actually enjoys living like this. People want to get out, but can’t find the exit – so the cycle continues because you feel that it’s the easier option. That’s not you having control – that’s the disease having all of the control.
So when your mind tries to start a conversation with you – and ED’s voice is the one you hear – stop. Talk louder than him. Take the control back. Your mind is one of the most important parts of who you are and you deserve to think, feel, act and remember every single thing you want.
I would be lying if I said no.
Living with something for over two decades becomes a part of your life. It takes on its own life. And turns it into your life.
It is what I know. It is what felt comfortable with. It was part of every day just like brushing my teeth.
The hours and hours I had alone were mine to do nothing. Not think. Not clean. Not cook. Not react. Not take care of anyone or anything.
When I think about hay it makes me sick. Sad. Frustrated. Why would I want to escape from that? From life. We all want a time out sometimes so why not do just that. Put everything aside. Put your feet up and recognize the way out is not the answer. Put things on pause and deal with it when you are ready. Either way, they will be there when you get back. So why torture your body if it doesn’t make everything better? It makes it worse. Much. Much worse.
Tonight I was fidgety. Anxious. In that place where my mind wanders.
Fuck. Bad day. I’m having a tough time. Professionals would tell me to go for a walk. Colour. Read. Distract. Distract. Distract.
Nope. I decided to dig deep. Why was it a ‘bad day?’ Guess what? It wasn’t. I woke up. Made my kids French toast dippers (thanks Lits), worked, had some appointments and came home to my family. All amazing things.
By telling myself that I am having a bad day when I know deep down it isn’t bad, I can rationalize the situation. Deal with it. Don’t try to make it disappear. He will find his way back. ED tries to convince me that things are shit anyways so I might as well give up and go buy some laxatives, therefore eliminating the need to think about all of the other crap.
It was at that moment I realized I was having a great day. I was trying to make it difficult.
I put on my pj’s, baked a banana bread and watched the Raptors game with Tyler.
Don’t hijack your good days. Think about the whole day. Not just a part of it. Appreciate the amazing things you have and know that you get to decide how to make it a good day. .
I decided it was not hard. I was making it hard.
The banana bread was delish.
Eating disorders do a number on your mental health. They do an equally wonderful job at messing with your physical health. Isn’t it ironic that a disease that “works” on your appearance does just the opposite of what you want? It makes you look old, haggered, dishevled, tired, and basically like a piece of crap.
When I was approached by https://www.uniwigs.com/, I was intrigued.
One of the side effects to my illness has been my hair becoming dry, brittle and incredibly thin. This company has graciously offered to donate a hair topper to give me some much needed life to my locks.
They are also donating some samples and coupons to my event to help other people who have been experiencing what I have through this disease.
I am excited to receive my sample and will keep you posted once it arrives.