What Has ED Taught Me?

  1. What you think is true, is not always the truth.
  2. You can change anything.
  3. Having an eating disorder may feel safe, tranquil, familiar and sheltered. But the truth is, it’s a cage, not a cocoon.
  4. I am amazed by my body
  5. I am loved.

 

I can give you an explanation or deep thoughts about each of those points, but they are self explanatory.

I think the most important thing that ED has taught me is how loved I am.  How many people care about me.  Don’t get me wrong, I certainly never had any doubts.  Growing up I was always told how much I was loved.  I was always surrounded by supportive family and friends so I had no reason to think otherwise.  But ED magnified the amount of support I have from those closest to me, friends I have re-connected with and complete strangers who have become good friends.

So, even though ED entered my life like a complete shit storm, he has taught me a few things along the way.

I often wonder, “Why me?”  Why do I have this mental illness.  Why? Why? Why?

I know that I do have a purpose in life.  Besides living it and enjoying my family and friends, there is something that I am suppose to do with this.

Is it worth it?  At the end of this (when I’m recovered) and doing whatever it is I’m suppose to be doing to use this illness for good, ,will it have been worth it?  20+ years of torture, hell and near death experiences?

Fuck, I hope so.

My three role models

We are suppose to be role models to our kids.  Set good examples for them and teach them right from wrong.

The funny thing is, that I often find I’m learning from my kids.  They are my inspiration and show me many things I should know, many things I preach but many things I don’t practice.

They don’t give a shit.  They enjoy every single minute of their lives.  They don’t worry about tomorrow, next week, next month or three months from now.  They live in the moment.

Sure, they have days when they are frustrated, annoyed, sad, tired, upset or hurt.  But overall their days are filled with happiness, new experiences, joy, thrills, enjoyment, new adventures and smiles.

I always watch them at meal time.  It’s quite cute actually.  Here are three humans that sit down at the table and say what are we eating for breakfast/lunch or dinner?  No requests, no demands – they accept what I’m making for them and eat it with happiness and without any thoughts or concerns. They aren’t thinking that it will make them fat.  They aren’t thinking that it will make them bloated.  They aren’t thinking that because they are having something fried tonight they should eat healthier tomorrow.  Lucky for them, it’s my job to make sure they eat well balanced meals.  And even luckier for them, they don’t look at food the way I look at food.  They eat it because they enjoy it.

And it’s stupid.  So dumb.  It’s just food.

The hard part about an Eating Disorder, as I’ve said in the past is that it’s everywhere and it’s a necessity.  As much as I know how ridiculous it is to be so focused and wrapped up in everything I eat, I have no choice.  I need to eat it to live.  And I should eat it to enjoy every single bite.  Just like my kids.  My role models.

The more you focus on something and the more you worry about something, the bigger the problem becomes.  Someone with an Eating Disorder clearly hates and worries about food.  But ironically enough it is all they think about.  All day, every day.

When you stop worrying so much, the problem gets smaller.

Uh oh. It’s Bathing Suit Season

Everyone must be staring at me right?  Because that’s what the beach is about right?

Wrong.

When I’m at the beach, I’m there to lifeguard, build sandcastles, supply treats, re-stand the umbrella every dang time it blows over, spray sunscreen, look for seashells, warm-up wet kiddos, force people to eat sandwiches and drink juice, blow up water-wings, and keep my kids from publicly urinating. Basically, I’ve got a really fun job to do and I don’t have time to let a bathing suit ruin that.

Remember that.

Letting Rob In

Eating Disorders are about secrecy.  Lying.

It is extremely hard to let people in.

But I did.  I do.  Every day here and in real life.

Today I did something big.  I have been wanting to tell Rob something for so long.  He has often asked me questions, and when I am not truthful, I know he knows the truth.  But he never pushes me.  He accepts what I say.  He has been living with this and knows how to manage me.

And it has worked.  Because I came around when I was ready to be honest.

He always asked why I would bring so much water upstairs.  Why was the coffee machine running.  Why was I boiling water all night…

The truth is…I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day and at night I will have a green tea to help with digestion.  But I was running hot water like it was going to be scarce any moment.  I was bringing thermos after thermos to the washroom to help me vomit.  I have told you that I did that in the past when I tried the TGH program – really helped huh…got some useful tips there.  Ugh.

I never wanted to tell Rob.  For two reasons:

  1. I was embarrassed.
  2. The biggest one – If I brought hot water upstairs he would now know.  And I would not be able to engage in that behavior.  So, by me opening up, I am telling him I do not do it, I will not do it.  And I am accountable for my actions.  Letting him in, brings him into my world and makes me feel more in control of knowing that I am reaching out to people in an attempt to stop the behaviour.

Being honest has helped me in such a big way today.  It brought Rob a little closer to my old life (to understand it) and it has brought me closer to my new life.

Don’t let life happen for you

Let life happen to you, not for you.

My Eating Disorder has made life happen to me and not for me.

Think about it for a minute.

When you live your life, make your own decisions and enjoy every single minute of life,  you are allowing life to happen to you.

When a mental illness takes over your life, it makes the decisions for you, steals every single minute of your day.  You are giving it the power to make your life happen to you.

I refuse to give a person, a thing, a feeling a moment or anything else permission to dictate how my life will happen.

I want to decide.  I want to be happy when I’m happy.  I want to be excited when I’m excited.  I want to be sad when I’m sad.  I want to make all of those decisions.  That is allowing me to let my life happen to me because I’m living it.

Otherwise ED is living my life and making it happen to me.

No thanks ED.  I’m going to decide what happens when, where, why and because I said so.

I will live my life for me.

Thanks Meredith

“When life forces us to do something impossible, an explosion happens inside the body. A rush of hormones blasts through us, making us stronger, making us faster. Biology overrides fear and that makes the impossible, possible.”

-Meredith Grey

 

There are days when I want to give up fighting because fighting is so much harder than giving in. But giving in means that it will never go away. I will live with an Eating Disorder forever. And I can’t. I don’t want to. So I make the impossible possible by fighting. By reminding myself that if I don’t end it, it won’t end.  It has to because I’m tired.  Physically and emotionally drained.

I wish the fight, the journey was easier; but as they say – what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. At the end, or shall I say at the beginning, I am going to be the strongest bitch around!

Need encouragement

Whenever I get a bit stuck, I try to find things that motivate me.

I thought I would share some of today’s wise words:

A hard day in recovery will always be better than another day stuck in your disorder.

You have to take time to do the inside work first.