He’s big.  He give you soooo much pressure.  He pressures you into an illness and pressures you not to get out of an illness.

They say an Eating Disorder is about control – which I still don’t buy into.  If I had this control they speak of, this would be over.  I would be recovered.

They also say it’s about being a perfectionist.  That, I buy into.

During recovery it’s important not to be perfect.  Not to be able to recovery perfectly. Don’t expect it to be perfect.  People set themselves up to be perfect every day.  So when you have “set-back” you end up feeling like you have failed when in fact it’s part of the process.  You will constantly feel anxious and nervous to be perfect.  And than you will go back to your old behaviours when things don’t go according to plan instead of learning from them.

Don’t have expectations.  Don’t try to be perfect.  Be yourself.  Let things happen as they are suppose to.  You are your biggest fan.  You are the one to support yourself, encourage yourself and reward yourself when you feel you have achieved the littlest of goals.  This is your journey so you don’t need to set any expectations for anyone.  You deserve to map out your recovery at the pace that works for you.  I know people who support and love you want it to be quick, but it’s not their journey.  There is no right or wrong way to heal.  There is only your way.  Whatever works for you to get through it and to get rid of ED is the way you will recover.

Stop trying to be perfect.  Stop making expectations of yourself and stop accepting expectations from others.  Your journey.  Your goals.

The Thornhill Liberal and my non-existent “aha” moment

I met with a journalist from The Thornhill Liberal yesterday.  She interviewed me and brought a photographer who snapped some pics of me.

We discussed the angel of the story.  She said it would be more of a personal story instead of it being factual.  One of the things we discussed in length is the lack of resources in York Region for people with Eating Disorders.  And the lack of resources for people in their 40’s.  I told her my story, shared some personal experiences and said that my goal at the end of all of this was to be a voice.  Be someone that can motivate and help people get to recovery and get through recovery.

She did ask when I had my aha moment.  I was honest.  I haven’t had it.  I said I’m still waiting.  I’ve had many times when I hit rock bottom and should’ve used those as my aha moments but ED continues to be a loud voice.  HOWEVER.  I said, although I haven’t had that aha moment – I am forcing myself into recovery.  I have a choice and as I said in my speech, my choice is to recover and live or have an Eating Disorder and die.  I don’t want my aha moment to be me lying in a hospital bed on a feeding tube or hooked up to a breathing machine.  That is not an option.  So, I continue to fight.  My aha moment will be when I win.  When I beat ED.  When I am able to be recovered and remember what living is like.

I’m working on it.


Why did I get a bracelet that says trust?

One very important thing I have read from people in recovery is how they constantly say “Trust Your Body.”  I never really believed it.  But when I gave it some thought, it makes perfect sense.  How can I not trust something that I have tortured for over 20 years and has not given up on me?  How can I not trust it?  It has always been there for me through the absolute worst moments of my life.

Going through recovery means side effects that suck big time.  The most difficult are the pains and bloating.  Two things that make someone suffering with an Eating Disorder sooooo incredibly uncomfortable.  But these people I have followed say “Trust your body.  It will work itself out.  It won’t be painful forever.  You won’t be bloated forever.”

So, in those moments when I feel horrible and on the verge of giving in, I remind myself to Trust.  And would you believe – the feelings eventually pass.  I trusted my body and it gave me back what I needed.  As always.

This bracelet will be a constant reminder to me that I can get through the hard moments when I feel like my body is about to implode.  Trusting it is certainly better than torturing it.  So I will trust.  Trust my body.  I owe it at least that much.

Thank you to my dear friend Alli for this wonderful gift.




Worst Part Of An Eating Disorder

Many of you emailed me asking what the worst part of an eating disorder is.

I thought long and hard.

The physical part?  Pain, torture, abuse and overall feeling like shit most of the time after a laxative overdose?

The emotional part? Confusion, sadness, loneliness or regret?

Neither of those are the worst part of an Eating Disorder.

The worst part is the lying. To everyone. To myself. I only kid myself when I lie to you. I only kid myself when I lie to myself.    That is a huge reason I started this blog, was featured in the Toronto Star, will be interviewed by the Thornhill Liberal this week and why I gave that speech two weeks ago. To be open, honest and accountable. That gives me the power. Not ED. Lying is awful because once you do it often enough you start believing yourself. You believe the lies, deception and dishonesty.

And that is the honest to gd truth.


Yes I should.

My doctor said it was okay.

The alternative is not a better solution.

Look, I’m not the one at the gym who is sweating profusely, working out at warp speed to burn calories.  I never have been and I never will.  I go, honestly because it makes me feel good.  It makes me feel strong.  It makes me feel like I am actually taking care of my body.

I’m sure people look at me and wonder why the fuck am I working out.

My doctor has okayed it and she said it will benefit my heart, my muscles and my bones – as long as I do it responsibly and take in extra calories on those days.  Which I do.

I go to Energy Fitbox.  I go two to three times a week.  The classes are 45 minutes in length.  I take breaks and often I leave early.  I feel amazing when I’m there and great when I leave.  I feel like I’m finally doing something good for my body instead of beating the living shit out of it.

Many of my friends (out of love and concern) have voiced their opinion about how they don’t like that I work out.  But trust me when I say that I do it for health, body and mind reasons.  I need to keep my muscles moving.  I need to keep my bones strong.  As my body begins to change I want it to be in a way that makes me “somewhat” comfortable.  Most importantly I need my mind to tell ED that I will take care of myself and he will not be allowed to take control of that.

When I’m there punching the “bob” I often imagine that bob is my Eating Disorder.  That is when I get aggressive.  That is when I work out a bit harder.  That is when I punch as hard as I can.  But that’s fair – no?

So, thank you for your concern.  Thank you for your love.  Thank you for always caring about my well-being.  But working out for me is not a bad thing.  I do it with the right intentions and as always, make sure that my doctor knows exactly what’s going on so I’m monitored appropriately.

If you see me working out a bit harder than I should, just know that I’m really pissed off at ED and taking it out on those orange bobs.