Let me start with the negative.
Yesterday I was sooo tempted to take laxatives. I think it was my way of thinking this is it. Take them now before you reach 100 days. After reaching that milestone there is no turning back.
But, I quickly realized it wasn’t what I was thinking. That was ED thinking for me. As usual.
But, Lisa stepped in.
Now the positive.
Fuck off ED. There was no turning back at 21 days, 50 days, 72 days or now. You cannot give me permission to think the way you do. It’s stupid, dumb, irrational and it will kill me. You are trying to kill me and I will not give you that power. I am fighting so hard and I have achieved so much without you being in my life. I will not let you take that away from me.
Let’s review the last 100 days shall we?
The other day I was in the washroom (sorry, TMI) and spent maybe 5-10 minutes with the door closed. My kids came knocking and asked me when I was coming out. 5 more minutes. And in 5 minutes I was out. Do you know how good that felt? To only spend 5 minutes in the washroom? To tell my kids I would only be 5 minutes and actually mean it.
Two nights ago I took Tyler to baseball practice and Adam, Cooper and myself went to Walmart to get ingredients to make this crazy delicious dessert. I didn’t have to arrange for someone to take him knowing I would be incapacitated. I also let my kids stay up late BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO. We baked, drew, played Lego and cuddled. Small things that we often take for granted but enormous, huge, gigantic to someone that has missed out on so many of those terrific moments.. I was there. I was present. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t destroying my insides to give my self a sense of emptiness.
Truth is, when your goal is to achieve a sense of emptiness you feel it physically but more so emotionally. It literally sucked everything out of me. My energy, my enthusiasm, my charisma, my feelings and my zest for life. I became a walking zombie. No direction at all. I was so caught up in my Eating Disorder I forgot how to live.
And now I live every single day with such gratitude and appreciate all of these special moments.
Even sitting on the sofa after the kids go to bed is a treat. I would normally spend that time in bed trying to make the pain in my body stop. But now I get to watch all the crappy shows I want to. And it’s pure bliss.
Weight. Yep. The inevitable. It is bound to happen. It’s not quick and it’s not immediate. But don’t use that as a measure of my success. Look at the sparkle in my eyes. Look at the newfound energy I have. Look at how happy I am. Look at me. And just ask. I will tell you. But DO NOT just look at the exterior. Recovery happens from the top down.
And things are making sense. I am focused and committed to continuing this recovery journey. Today is day 100. I couldn’t be happier.
100 F’ING DAYS!