Fun Day at Tarjey

Fun day with my cousin. Running around Buffalo. Shopping. Laughing. Enjoying. It was great. She’s such a special person and I always enjoy our time together.

I love these days when I’m in the moment and not caught up with ED. Being me. Smiling. Living
When I have downtime at night and the thoughts run through my mind I get so frustrated that it exists. That it’s in my life. That I have to fight. I’m so tired of fighting when I know how much good there is to life. Even though my day was filled with such enjoyment, the nighttime always tends to be my most difficult. So I try and remember the great time I had today and the great memories I shared to ensure that ED doesn’t end my day on a bad note.

Target. Shopping. Cousin.

What’s better than that?


Emotional Day

Wow.  Yesterday was…surreal.  I think leading up to that day I knew I would be proud of what I have accomplished, but wouldn’t put too much thought into it.

I woke up and lay in bed for 20 minutes.  Just staring out the window.  I was in a daze.

Deep thoughts by Lisa Boltman…Awesome Saturday Night Live Skit 🙂

When I thought about it, I mean really thought about it I came to terms with the fact that my life is completely different than it was 101 days earlier.  I was able to get up.  I slept through the night.  I didn’t feel like shit.  I made my kids breakfast, got their lunch ready, bags packed and went to shower and continue on with my morning.  I didn’t give any of it a second thought.  That’s what needed to get done.  And it got done.

101 days earlier, that morning would’ve been very different.  I would be lying in bed, exhausted and in pain.  My kids would have to make their own breakfast, get their bags ready and I would try as best as I could to get up and take them to school, but likely I wouldn’t be able to muster up the strength – so I would tell them they would have to walk.  I would come up with an excuse why I was going to be late for work, or miss the whole day completely.  I would spend the rest of the day either in bed or the washroom.  I would feel tired, lethargic, dehydrated, dizzy and most of all angry with myself.  How did I do this again?!

It’s amazing how changing a part of you, changes everything.  It gives you a whole new life.  A better life.  And it is all in my power to give.  It’s not easy to do that.  You have been convincing yourself for so long that the way you have been living is totally acceptable and something that simply won’t change – so deal with it.  But when you decide to get your life back – you really can do it.  Slowly, but surely.  The rewards come and you begin to see what you have missed out on – and continue to crave more of that.

So, yesterday was a big day.  Exciting.  A new beginning and the start of recovering in the triple digits.

How Am I Celebrating? What Is My Reward?

If you know me, you know what the most perfect reward would be.


Me and one of my very best friends, such an important person to me and someone I love to death are driving in for the day to window shop, shop, have fun, laugh and just spend some much needed time together.  Who knows AG – maybe we can hook up with some locals and go to Applebee’s this time.

It’s going to be great.  And the most perfect way to celebrate my big milestone.

100 DAYS!

Let me start with the negative.

Yesterday I was sooo tempted to take laxatives. I think it was my way of  thinking this is it. Take them now before you reach 100 days. After reaching that milestone there is no turning back.

But, I quickly realized it wasn’t what I was thinking. That was ED thinking for me.  As usual.

But, Lisa stepped in.

Now the positive.

Fuck off ED. There was no turning back at 21 days, 50 days, 72 days or now. You cannot give me permission to think the way you do. It’s stupid, dumb, irrational and it will kill me. You are trying to kill me and I will not give you that power. I am fighting so hard and I have achieved so much without you being in my life. I will not let you take that away from me.

Let’s review the last 100 days shall we?

The other day I was in the washroom (sorry, TMI) and spent maybe 5-10 minutes with the door closed. My kids came knocking and asked me when I was coming out. 5 more minutes. And in 5 minutes I was out. Do you know how good that felt?  To only spend 5 minutes in the washroom?  To tell my kids I would only be 5 minutes and actually mean it.

Two nights ago I took Tyler to baseball practice and Adam, Cooper and myself went to Walmart to get ingredients to make this crazy delicious dessert. I didn’t have to arrange for someone to take him knowing I would be incapacitated. I also let my kids stay up late BECAUSE I WANTED THEM TO. We baked, drew, played Lego and cuddled.  Small things that we often take for granted but enormous, huge, gigantic to someone that has missed out on so many of those terrific moments.. I was there. I was present. I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t destroying my insides to give my self a sense of emptiness.

Truth is, when your goal is to achieve a sense of emptiness you feel it physically but more so emotionally. It literally sucked everything out of me. My energy, my enthusiasm, my charisma, my feelings and my zest for life. I became a walking zombie. No direction at all. I was so caught up in my Eating Disorder I forgot how to live.

And now I live every single day with such gratitude and appreciate all of these special moments.

Even sitting on the sofa after the kids go to bed is a treat. I would normally spend that time in bed trying to make the pain in my body stop. But now I get to watch all the crappy shows I want to. And it’s pure bliss.

Weight. Yep. The inevitable. It is bound to happen. It’s not quick and it’s not immediate. But don’t use that as a measure of my success. Look at the sparkle in my eyes. Look at the newfound energy I have. Look at how happy I am. Look at me. And just ask. I will tell you. But DO NOT just look at the exterior. Recovery happens from the top down.

And things are making sense.  I am focused and committed to continuing this recovery journey.  Today is day 100.  I couldn’t be happier.


Recovery…I want to give up sometimes, but I won’t…

Double post today.

I came across this link and found it to come at the perfect time as I approach my 100 days tomorrow.

In my speech I said these exact words:

Recovering From an Eating Disorder is Difficult, But Not Nearly as Difficult as Living With an Eating Disorder.

It is true, but some days I find it hard to believe.  When you are so use to living with something it doesn’t seem like work.  It seems natural.  But when you look at the big picture – everything – you can logically see that maintaining an Eating Disorder is difficult, challenging, time consuming, exhausting, draining, demanding, painful, strenuous and just plain shitty.

So recovery needs to be seen as a gift you are giving yourself.  Freedom.  A life.

Read this article.  It makes sense.  Show it to people who don’t understand the recovery process.  Because IT.  IS.  A.  PROCESS.