904

Do you know what happened 904 days ago?
I’ll tell you.
I got my period.
November 2015.
Than it stopped.

I convinced myself it was because I had surgery and tied my tubes so my body took a break. But for 3 years?

I was only fooling myself.
It was my body telling me that this was not okay. I didn’t weigh enough and it simply didn’t have the energy to work the way it should.

My doctor (who I always tell you how much I love) sent me to an endocrinologist to get everything tested. It was proven that I wasn’t producing any testosterone. None. Zilch. So he put me on the birth control pill to help wth that. And it did what it was suppose to. So maybe I didn’t get my period necessarily because of my recovery per se but I did because of medication. Nonetheless it happened and I’m greatful.

Many people in recovery fear getting your period. It is an indicator of weight gain, and showing progress which should be commended but is often scary. I thought I would experience those emotions when this day came.

Guess what? I wasn’t scared at all. I was relieved. I was so happy. I felt strong, liberated and empowered.

I am thrilled my body still works. I should be greatful.

So I treated myself to a new pair of shoes today.

My friend called them my period shoes. Funny name. I will always look at them and laugh. But remember what they symbolize.

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Bad. Awful. Shit. And AMAZING!

Today was brutal. Awful. Terrible.

My patience, loyalty, faith, perseverance and everything I have in life was put to the test.

I won’t get into the details and to be honest they don’t matter. We all have days, weeks and months when we struggle in life. We are tested. And it’s up to us to decide how to handle it.

I know my gut reaction use to be laxatives. That’s how I coped.

Guess what I did today?

Coped! Talked. Yelled. Cried. Expressed my feelings. And dealt with it.

I didn’t spend the day in the washroom. Didn’t spend the day in bed. I spent the day watching crappy movies with my kids. Love 17 Again!

Coping is fantastic. Makes me stronger and made me feel like I could do anything. Because I can!

So can you. Don’t ever think you can’t deal with life. You can. You have to and you will. It’s what gives you the strength to get through every single day and be the person you want to be.

Don’t get me wrong. I still have a lot of coping left to deal with, but I got through the initial phase so I know that I will be able to handle this situation the right way. The healthy way. The way that will allow me to feel proud of myself and know that I can get through anything!

Liar, liar pants on fire

My Eating Disorder turned me into such a liar. I wasn’t trying to be malicious, I was trying to protect myself. Or probably protecting those around me. Did they really want to know what I was doing? How I was tearing my insides apart?

The lies about where I was, who I was with, why I was late for work, reasons for my stomach ache and so on. I often forgot what I said to who and got so caught up in my own fabricated world that it scared the hell out of me.

This other world I was living. Alone. It’s awful and so isolating. You literally become a prisoner in your body. Trying to keep up the facade that everything is okay when in reality you are falling apart.

Over time I soon realized that I was only fooling myself. My lies were so transparent and everyone knew I was lying.

The problem with recovery is that it’s hard to believe me sometimes.

When I don’t feel well now because I really don’t feel well, it’s hard for people to believe me. And that is frustrating as hell. But who can blame them?

I have to earn back the trust of those that I tried to fool for over two decades.

That is something I will continue to do as part of this journey.

The Facts Of Life

Great start to the week. Feel good. Feel strong. Feel capable. It’s funny. When you tell yourself how you feel you start to feel that way.

If I bring myself down with negative thoughts I will feel like shit.

When I looked st my calendar and realized that it has been 224 days since I swallowed my last laxative I was sure to give myself a pat on the back. It’s not a small thing. It’s huge! Especially for someone that thought I would never get this far.

The young lady I spoke to yesterday asked me such an interesting question. “How do you know when you are recovered?” I didn’t have a logical answer. I said that I’ve been told it’s when you are one year symptom free. That’s what I’ve been told by the professionals. But I also told her that I am aware and have come to accept that this mental illness will always live with me. Big or small present or absent I will just have to manage the hell out of it to ensure I don’t allow it to dictate my actions. I get to control those because I chose recovery.

So I will continue the week with positive thoughts which will turn into positive actions which will make me happy and not be stuck in the vicious cycle that is so easy to get wrapped up in.

On a side note my doctor has me tested on a regular basis for a series of tests to make sure everything is where it should be. On another side note, she is such a special person and has really shown her support and interest in my well being for many, many year. It has helped me tremendously. Her office called today and said everything looked great. Whew. It’s been a long time since I haven’t had to go in for a follow up to discuss low this or low that.

I know I will have rough days ahead. I know I will be tempted some days. I know I will feel like crap. But I also know that I will feel amazing, have energy and be able to walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like I’m about to pass out.

That’s how you manage yourself. The good. The bad. And the ugly. You take the good you take the bad you take ‘em both and there you have…

The Reality

You may have seen this woman in the news when she started a go fund me page to help with her treatment.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCLkng3XsaRCqU5NOC8SDgeA

I’m sharing this so people can understand the harsh reality of an Eating Disorder.

She is lucky to be alive. She has a fantastic support system but sadly has had so many health complications that her recovery is painful and extremely difficult.

Eating Disorders steal your dignity, your energy, your personality and your zest for life.

Do what you can today. Right now to get well. Get better. NOW.

That father I mentioned the other day…remember? His beautiful daughter reached out to me today. While at different stages in our life (she is not married yet – but I know that will happen soon:) our thoughts are the same. We come from similar yet different backgrounds but have a mutual connection based on sharing the same tendencies.

I wish I had better advice to give her. But the advice I always give to anyone that approaches me is the same. You can get all of the medical and psychological help in the world and people will provide you with the tools to recover – it is out there for you. But unless you want it, I mean REALLY, REALLY want it – more than anything in the world; you will be stuck in the vicious cycle of the illness. You need to put in the work, be uuncomfortable, do the opposite and look towards your future without an Eating Disorder. That is the only way you will get better. Don’t try and fool yourself or others that you are trying to get well. You are only fooling yourself. Do it for you. Live your life without an Eating Disorder. And that is how you will recover. There is no magic cure or words of wisdom. It’s you wanting it.

I watch Rachel and it scares me to think how much has been taken away from her. It scares me that I was headed down the same path. This disease is manipulative and can change your world in the blink of an eye. It can also kill you in the blink of an eye. I often wonder how my heart withstood taking over 200 laxatives so many times.

Do what you need to at this very moment to not end up a statistic, but be someone that can provide support to others and show that recovery is possible. It is possible.

I do miss that little world I created. It’s hard to let go of something you know so well. But the life I’ve been living without it is far better. Every day I miss that life I once had. The one where I was not a prisoner in my own body. So I’m working my ass off to get it back. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. And so am I!

Struggling

It’s been hard the last week.
I’ve gotten through it but I had to fight extra hard. I don’t know why. It’s just ED really testing me.

I haven’t acted on the urges. I have dealt with them and continued to fight. It is the fight for my life.

Is it hard because the nurse who was taking my blood told me I have such great veins being so thin and should be greatful? Or is it the woman at the Subway counter who asked me if eating salads is what keeps me so thin?

It’s frustrating but also upsetting. Why do we equate thin with happiness or being lucky? It’s so dumb and stupid and artificial.

I have been ‘that’ thin. And it brought me nothing but heartache, misery and physical consequences. So while I try to move on and get well so many people won’t allow me to forget that the body I have is so ‘fantastic.’

I continue to remind myself that it’s not. This is not what lucky looks like.

Lucky is lying on the couch last night snuggled under the blanket with Cooper watching 17 again.

I will fight. I will ignore comments praising this ‘wonderful’ body and remember that I chose to recover so I will do just that.

Lucky is living the life you want to and were meant to. Not allowing a mental illness to hold you hostage.