I want to give up

I don’t want my recovery journey to sound easy. Three reasons why.

1. Because it’s not.
2. Because I want to be honest.
3. Because I want those that are struggling to know that I totally get it. I know how brutal a mental illness is.

Today was that day.
My stomach was bloated as hell. I couldn’t feel satisfied after every meal; I found myself frustrated and just sick and tired of having constant mental turmoil.

It would be easier to give in to the temptations.

But what would happen after that? If I did take laxatives.

‘One more time’ is inviting ED back permanently. There is never one more time.

The first time I was was very hard. The most I ever took was about 60 laxatives. This time around it was very, very serious. I got up to over 250 laxatives.

If I relapse, the cycle will start all over again. And I would probably end up taking 300+ laxatives.

I wanted to give up. But I cannot give up. I will not give up. I will fight and fight my ass off. ED’s voice is powerful. You have to let him know that he’s not in charge.
In order to change you have to change.

I look at the big picture. I look at my family and friends and the amazing people they are. I look at the life I have. That’s the big picture. That’s what matters.

I’m bloated.
WHO FUCKING CARES?

That does that impact how I am as a person?

Does that mean people won’t like me anymore? Does that mean I become a horrible person?

It is me and only me that cares if I’m bloated. And so what?

So fucking what!

Yes – laxatives would take the edge off and certainly make me end the mental turmoil.

But it will also give me a death sentence.

I wanted to take them today. Sorry. ED wanted me to take them today.

As I’ve said many times, his voice is loud. But mine is louder. And today I was screaming right back at him telling ED to FUCK right off,

.

Advertisements

Close Call!

People always ask me if recovery gets easier.
I wish I could say yes, but there are some days when I feel like I had just taken laxatives last week and the urges are so strong. But, there are more days when I remember being in the depths of my illness and it seems like a distant awful memory.

I was cleaning out my closet after dinner last night. Emptying out purses and trying to organize my clothes.

As I picked up a bag I heard something fall out. It sounded like a sleeve of laxatives. For a quick minute I was so relieved.
“Now I can just take them and stop fighting with myself.”

I looked down and it was a pair of earrings still in the pack.
When I realized what it was; I was so shocked that I had seriously considered taking laxatives. Scared the shit out of me that I’m still so close to the edge that I could snap at any given moment.

But I also realized that whenever I want to, I could go to the drugstore and buy them. I haven’t. It’s been 255 days and I have not taken a laxative. So whether they are in my house or at Shoppers Drug Mart I have chosen not to. I have fought not to.

I suppose it was a natural reaction. But I have to remind myself that I didn’t take. Yes, I thought about it – but the most important thing is not to act on negative thoughts.

Didn’t your mother teach you this?!

On Instagram I posted a comment on the CAMH page thanking them for letting me participate in their campaign. It was a brief clip showing my story.

Someone’s comment under it was:

Just eat. Lol.

Seriously?

This proves exactly why mental illness needs to get the attention it deserves so people like this understand that it’s not THAT simple.

I tried to brush it off but I’m human. It hurt. How can this person not be more sensitive after watching my story?

I just have to accept that some people won’t ever change.

Luckily the support system I have doesn’t fall in that ignorant minority.

Remember that if you don’t have anything nice to say DON’T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!

Good week. Shit week.

I had great things happen. And awful things happen.

My little brother lost his best friend in a tragic accident. I am devestated for him and my sister in law. This was a special person to both of them.

They say everything happens for a reason. Explain this to me? A stand up, kind, caring, loyal, dedicated human being with a doting wife and two beautiful daughters.

Why? Why?

Sometimes there are no answers. We are left with questions and memories of someone that touched the life of so many. And he will be dearly missed by everyone who had the privilege of knowing him.

I dedicate my post tonight to Michael, Megan, Luigi, Heather, their daughters and his family.

Please say a prayer tonight to remember someone that left this world WAY TOO early. But we are better off because we had a chance to get to know David Sheffe.

Wow. Just Wow.

In 24 hours my video has received over 1,600 views.

People contacted me to offer their encouragement, support and praise for spreading my message.

I was asked to to a radio interview next week. I will send details when I get them.

I won’t ever stop telling my story so people will feel that they are not alone.

This is all part of my recovery and I will never stop bringing light to an illness that needs more attention.